The Title in which this Blog defines itself would lend an assumption that the stories found within its pages are mine; in fact they are, however it was not until recently that I realized this. You see the original purpose for which this blog was created was as a means of communication for my family; a place where we could update any and all who wanted to know about Daddy's health. What it became however was something much more powerful. It became a platform of love, gratitude and expressions for my Father. It became an opportunity to share with him and others the tremendous influence and impact he has had on his family, his friends, and his community. It was a place where we could celebrate his triumphs and his life. He was hilarious; his life was fun, exciting, full of spiritual strength and filled with moments of faith exemplified. He was phenomenal, brilliant and his spirit, endless. I wanted to do all I could to make sure that before Daddy left this life he knew of his greatness! So I wrote about it, and as I read my final post to him titled "I am My Father's Daughter," he looked at me and asked, "is that the last one Beeks? Is this the end of the Blog?" Recognizing that he was concerned over what this could mean I quickly reassured him that no, it was not. I did my best to explain that the imprint in which he was leaving on this earth was infinite and I promised him I would continue to share his stories and his beliefs, thereby carrying on his legacy. The only way I know how to do that is through combining words and formulating sentences into stories, so I will continue to write and share my thoughts, experiences and emotions as I begin to travel down this path without him and I will start by sharing a letter I recently wrote to my Father.
Daddy-O
How are things on the other side? How awesome is it? How beautiful and bright? How is Cass and Budsky and all our loved ones that we miss? I hope you have told them all how much we love them and how often we think of them; same goes for you Daddy! We miss you; we think of you, talk about you and laugh because of the many memories and stories we have of you. Its been 4 months Daddy, to be honest it sucks! There are so many things that happen that I want to tell you about, not for approval or validation but because I want to see your reaction! As of now that is what I miss the most, the many animated expressions that you wore on your face, defining your thoughts and emotions. For example, you were the first person I wanted to tell when the Bishop called me to be the YW President, how is that for crazy?! I so desperately wanted to see your reaction to that one Daddy; I could just imagine your expression! You would have laughed, smiled and shook your head just like I did but then I could have asked you for advice, for help. Not because you have experience as a YW President, but because you raised 3 Daughters and you instilled in them a firm belief and confidence in themselves. That is what I need to know how to do Daddy? If I can help these girls to believe in themselves and to recognize the power found within their own potential just as you did, maybe, just maybe I will know I am on the right track. I love these girls Daddy and I want them to feel as strong and courageous as you helped me too feel. I want them to recognize the brilliance found within their own unique qualities and understand that those differences are what make them extraordinary, special, and essential to a much greater and divine plan. They are remarkable Young Women and I want them to experience the very same love and compassion that I did from you. So help me Daddy, remind me, lead me and guide me to know that what I am doing is right for them.
You were always so good at that, knowing how to love and care for others. In fact that was evident throughout your life but especially in your last few days as well. We watched Boy Scouts come and sing to you, Friends and Neighbors visit you and Family members that came for you. They played their instruments, to which you danced, they stood outside Daddy and sang to you, they did all of this because they wanted to say thank you, to show you that they loved you and to confirm and validate for you, our belief that we will one day "meet again." I even saw examples of this within our immediate family, with your children and grandchildren, and of course your dear, sweet, beautiful wife. We sang our Favorite Songs Daddy. We sang "The Beatles," "Janice Joplin" and others...including "Kurt Cobain!" You even smiled great big smiles that last day. Each of your grandchildren were able to say they loved you, each of your children too, and of course Mom as well; Daddy she was amazing and she never left your side. My last experience with you in this life was for me a moment that most refer to as "full circle." It was precious, simple, comforting and for me, I even dare describe it as sacred; I will cherish it always!
I awoke about 3 am to a very loud and annoying beeping sound. I tried to ignore it but it seemed to be more constant and definitely more persistent. I came upstairs to find that it was your morphine pump beeping. You were asleep and next to you was your sweetheart. It was peaceful Daddy, and I firmly believe it took an act of God to put Mom in such a sleep; she had not left your side or slept in days but now she lay next to you and there was a calm over you both. I woke mom, as much as I didn't want to, and after a conversation with hospice we were able to fix your pump. I sat for a few more moments, not knowing of course that they would be my last with you, Mom fell back asleep, again, something I believe that was a part of a very deliberate plan. I stayed and I looked at you and I was so grateful that I had the opportunity to receive such a gift, to serve you, as you had served me and so many others. "Full Circle" Daddy, which means, you truly did make a difference and a lasting impression,. Others came to serve you as your were leaving this life because it was what you had taught them to do, by word and deed. Mom gave her time, Her every ounce of effort, love and compassion to make you feel the best you could; never have I seen such devotion. Your children did all they could through many acts of service to show you, and prove to you that you had done well and that we understood what we had been taught. Daddy, it was my pleasure and my life's true honor to know that my last moments with you were spent providing what small acts of kindness and service I could give to you. I promised you something Daddy and that was that your story is not over, that I will write about it, and that I will do all I can to ensure that your example and your legacy continues and I will, because you asked me to I will. I love you, I miss you terribly and I still long to make you proud, to do those things you taught me, and to be the Fathers daughter in which you made me.
As I left the room that morning I kissed you on the forehead and told you that I loved you. When I awoke again it was to Mom very calmly calling my name; you were gone Daddy, at least your spirit was! How perfect for you to have been able to be in a house full of family, and to have been able to say goodbye in a way that you wanted to. I believe that exiting this life and the timing of it was your choice and done on your accord. In fact I have a dream about it and I imagine you waiting until everyone is asleep; I imagine you waking and walking through the house checking on everyone and saying your goodbyes. I imagine Daddy, that doing this was the most courageous thing you ever had to do in your mortal life! I love you Daddy; I am so Proud of you, for all that you accomplished, including the decision to move from this world. In my eyes you were always heroic, you were a crusader and you fought and you won, and in that moment you needed to, you deserved to, and Daddy, as much as we miss you, we wanted you, to move on!
That morning as I sat alone contemplating, writing and working on arrangements for you. I put my headphones in, music was something you taught me to love. I felt close to you by doing this and guess what the first song was that I heard? A "Beatles" song, of course, "Here Comes the Sun." I reflected on the lyrics and message of this song and for me, it seemed as if you were telling me that you were well, and that finally, you were free....
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
I was genuinely Happy in that moment Daddy; I felt comfort and peace and for the rest of my life I will always remember the warmth that so lovingly enveloped me as I began to understand that you had achieved Something Great, Something Eternal, Something Spectacular and that it was in fact all going to be "all right!"
