John Lennon vs Daddy, No Contest!

10/24


Today was Daddy’s second round of Chemo. It is strange that somehow this has become the norm even after two weeks, I am not sure if this is denial or acceptance, of what is happening. I have not seen Daddy yet today but I have spoken to him a few times and he sounded really great. Tonight he is at his bishopric meeting and he is doing all he can to keep his commitments. Serving in his calling is very important to him. He was very concerned at first that he would be asked to step down from his position, we had a conversation about it the other night and I told him that the Lord would bless him to be able to serve as long as he was supposed to and that this was something he could do to show his thanks, really I was mostly trying to encourage him to not just give up on something so easily. Our Ward needs him, the Primary needs him, and the Bishopric needs him. I remember when he was called and the week he was sustained. I took the opportunity to stand on behalf of our family that testimony meeting and let him know how proud we were of him, those words still ring true today if not even more with all he is facing. I may have crossed the line and chastised him a bit but it was important to understand what a silly thought that was that he could not serve in the Bishopric because he has Cancer. What an example he is and could be for those he serves and worships with each week, I ended our discussion with, you need the blessings, I don't know if he thought that was funny but he smiled and thanked me, not sure why though he would have said the same to me or anyone else. When he came home from his meetings I asked him if they asked him to step down and he smiled and said no, then started on a singing tangent, it must have been a good meeting! Music has always been something important to Daddy, My fondest memory is sitting in Daddy's lap and him singing the Beatles to me. there were other artists and songs but the Beatles were my favorite, "Hide your Love Away" is one of the many I can recite every lyric of, along with "Eleanor Rigby," "Yellow Submarine", "I Wanna Hold Your Hand", "Yesterday," "Hey Jude" of course "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds."and oh yeah "Let It Be.". These are just some of our favorites but there were many artists Daddy would sing the Beatles were just what we preferred most. Daddy has this admiration for John Lennon which is funny because they would likely disagree on all, if not most of life’s positions, but understanding what Daddy recognizes about who Lennon was is very important to understanding who Daddy is himself. See regardless of the difference in values and beliefs Daddy recognized the worth of a soul and acknowledged the weight of that in the sight of GOD.  Lennon was a brilliantly  beautiful spirit, he not only contributed but change the world by sharing his passion, gifts and talents. I only recognize these things now because my Father taught me the impact one individual can have on this world, so to me Daddy is way bigger than Lennon ever could be. His insights on life are the very definition of how I live mine and are essential to helping me understand who I want to become, and who I hope to be remembered as. This brings me to a memory from earlier this summer when I was singing a song by the late great Kurt Cobain of Nirvana and Daddy of course loved the oddity of the words, “Nothing at the Top But a Bucket and a Mop and an Illustrated Book about Birds.” My BIL got this stuck in my head the day before and I was still singing it that afternoon, next thing I know Daddy is singing it until he finally asked me who he was? The only explanation I could give him that I knew he would understand was that it was a song by a band called "Nirvana" and the lead singer Kurt Cobain is often times referred to as the John Lennon of my generation. That was all I had to say and Daddy got it. So I told Daddy the beautiful story and tragedy of Kurt Cobain and we sat outside on the patio for sometime listening to a few more NIRVANA songs, very selectivly of course but in the end Daddy’s response was…I like this guy, He is Pretty Cool!!!! How many Fathers Say that? I mean Kurt Cobain is Pretty Cool but Daddy is the very essence of Nirvana and it's literal definition. I will never forget the example he is to me and the lessons he has taught me through simple conversion of music and relating to the unusual by reaching across generations and appreciating the different and the unique that dare to change our world and define our generations. I will forever hear lyrics found in music today as well as the music of tomorrow and recognize it as guidance, a gift given from a Father, who will forever live in the heart, of his little Girl.

 

Sack of Flour!

10/23

As we are getting closer to Daddy’s Birthday and to Halloween, I jokingly asked him this morning what he wanted to be, he shook his head and told me he doesn’t even like Halloween. This surprised me because not only is Daddy a Halloween baby but he has a bit of a warped sense of humor. I can recall the song he sang to me most growing up was “The Last Kiss.”  Which is about a young couple that go on a date and are involved in a car accident, the girl ends up dying in his arms. He also loved Earth Angel and other sad and tragic songs, stories and events. I remember much of my childhood being spent begging Daddy to tell us stories, which we knew would have a frightening element to them. He told us of a headless horseman that would chase him through the various fields in Sandy, and would often drive us past the "haunted" house which was just down the street from where he grew up. There wasn't a time we passed that Daddy didn't say, "Did you see the rocking chair moving back and forth on its own?"  He had another classic tale about a man with no legs who would swing in the trees and chase girl scouts around for dinner. Story telling is something my father has always been great at and is a gift I am not sure he is even aware that he has. So in discussing Halloween I mentioned to him my surprise and he said it just wasn't his favorite Holiday and that even as a child it was not. Kailee Bug called us tonight as she does every night and we happen to be in the middle of this conversation so I asked her what she was going to be her response was one of panic, she was not sure yet and asked Daddy what she would be, without hesitation he said she should be a sack of flour! What?! Where did he come up with this? Bugs and I were laughing and he was very serious and he told her it was better than being Zorro for 6 years in a row like he was. He said Grandma made him where the same costume every year only buying him a new sword with each new year, when she stopped buying the sword he just went without and was a pirate instead for the next 6 years...we all laughed and now I understand why he hated Halloween, but either way Halloween is right around the corner, I guess we will see what Bugs comes dressed as. After our conversation with Bugs we started talking about the event of tomorrow. It is Daddy's second week of Chemo.  He is a little nervous  mostly because he has been doing so well after his first round that he is concerned what a second week might bring. His appetite has not changed he still doesn't want to eat but tries his best to force himself anyway. He often feels a little fatigue and nausea but those are the worst side effects experienced so far. We pray he continues to be strong both physically, mentally and spiritually.  I love him and am so proud of him for all that he has endured so far. It has to be challenging to stay positive when faced with so much at once and at times I do seem him sinking into those moments of thought and it breaks my heart to see my big strong Daddy feeling so weak, but he is much stronger and much more courageous than I could ever be and I know that whether he chooses to recognize that or not it gives the rest of us the hope we need so that we might be able to provide the encouragement and support that he needs.

The Importance of a Chainsaw!

Oct 22 2012

Daddy is doing very well. He went hunting with Jared and his Family and enjoyed himself very much, but no elk, or Deer, or whatever it is they aim to shoot at?! He wakes up every morning to take his Tarceva at 5 am and then goes back to sleep, why? Because he is supposed to take it one hour before he eats and I guess he eats before 6:30 am! He worked really hard today and I was lucky enough to spend the afternoon with him. Tomorrow is the neighborhood clean up and he has had a huge pile of what use to be the shed in our back yard. At one time this shed was used as a platform to jump off of and onto the trampoline, that was of course until Daddy introduced us to the Roof, but we all know what that got him, and if you don't know, it was a Broken Tailbone! Anyway he tore down the shed this past summer and the ruble has been waiting in a pile for the fall clean up to come around so we cleared it all out today and put it on the curb.  When we were done his thoughts of course turned to the obsession he has with the tree stump in my front yard, so  guess where we went next? You got it, my house!we went to my house. Daddy pulled out is chainsaw and said he wanted to make sure that I knew how to use it. So he gave me a very detailed tutorial that of I course I don't remember any of because all I kept thinking about was this may be the last time I have an experience like this with him, and in that moment I hated that stupid Chainsaw! Daddy interrupted me about half way through and asked me"Are you listening?"  I of course quickly responded with "Ya, Ya daddy loosen the chain and then tighten it when I am done, got it" But of course I hadn't gotten any of it I had only responded that way because I was simply repeating what subconscious had recorded and remembered. Then, I made a decision. I decided that I will no longer be sad while Daddy is here. I will no longer label any moment I have with him as the last because all I will be left with is a stupid chainsaw that I don't know how to work! My point is that I will miss out on the experience, the joy and the laughter that Daddy and I have when we are together. Unfortunately grief and heartbreak can not be avoided, so in those moments when sadness begins to set in I will remember that I can kiss his sweet little head or hold his hand and feel the warmth that is still inside him right now and if ever necessary I can still ask  him how to use that stupid chainsaw of his!

When Daddy felt victorious in his efforts of removing that wretched stump and all had been made right in his world we returned back home to find James and Diana had come by to visit him. This seemed to lift his spirits even more, James did a great job of making him laugh and I could see a worry free Daddy.  Later Mom expressed that she was concerned because Daddy kept saying  he was very tired, and I assured her that this was do to all the hard work he had accomplished earlier in the day and explained that he really was probably, just tired. She is doing a great job trying to stay positive for him and I am amazed at her strength. I have always said that I am indeed my “Fathers Daughter” and that his traits come very naturally to me, but my Mother’s traits are defiantly something I strive to learn and mimic. She is beautiful and brilliant in all her ways and she adores my Father. Tonight they were talking about their dating days and Mom asked Daddy if he remembered how skinny she was. He smiled and said, "I remember that you were just you and I didn’t know that meant you were skinny." It was a simple but very genuine compliment. He loves her so much I can see it just in the way he looks at her. Any concern he has right now is for her and if I were to guess, they all have something to do with being apart from her and wanting to make certain that she is cared of until they can be together again.  It's amazing the connection the two of them have, and I am very grateful that I have the opportunity to see the sincerity of their love for one another. We watched a video the other night about a couple only married for three weeks when the husband was diagnosed with cancer. This couple shared many positive and inspirational thoughts, but the most impactful was when this young husband said that the Dr’s had given him a 20% chance to live but that he KNEW he had a 100% chance to be with his Bride for All of Eternity. This was very sweet and I have to say that it was a very comforting reminder of the knowledge we have and the belief that families are eternal. It is true that happiness does not just exist in this world but dare I say, that it is indeed infinite.

Round 1: First Chemo Treatment

October 17th 2012

 

Daddy had is first round of treatment today and then tried to convince Mom he was going hunting, yeah right! Jared drew out for some type of hunt, not sure what this means exactly but its a big deal and Daddy has been looking forward to going with him for sometime. So He and Mom have compromised and they will be leaving Friday to spend some time with Jared's Family down in the Fish Lake area. As far as how he is feeling today after his treatment, no adverse side effects so far, he seems to be feeling pretty good, which of course automatically makes him think that they didn’t give him the right treatment, (uhhh hello JARED or CHRIS). He must be in some kind of mood though because when I called him late this afternoon to see how he was doing he tried to convince me something was wrong by answering the phone and moaning "Becky...is that you? Oh Becky, somethings wrong. moan moan moan!!!" Nice try Daddy, but I know better, and even though he has a sense of humor about this right now so far the rest of us are all still very nervous and uncertain as to what to expect. In our Chemo Class they told us it is usually not until the day or two following the treatment that he would begin to feel the side effects so I guess for now we continue with the wait and see approach. Even though none of us are too fond of this anymore it really is all we can do; that and play scrabble. Which I have to say, these recent events haven't seemed to change much about how Daddy strategises and plays games, and that is to CHEAT!!!! An example of this would be tonight when he tried to spell the word, "YucaPlant." Interesting how certain he was that none of us would challenge that word. He even had his own definition to share with us, "the plant of the Yuca Indians, how could we have not know that? Lets just say we had a good laugh about it but in the end always remember Cheaters never Prosper in the world of SCRABBLE!!!!!

 

Night Before First Chemo Treatment

10/16/2012

Several things have happened over the last few days. As mentioned in a recent post Daddy had several Biopsy's Taken and they were not able to see the "normal" cancer cells. This led us to hope that, as the Dr. put it, there was "Silver Lining." That silver lining was set a blaze when it was confirmed that in fact Daddy does have the type of Cancer originally thought. Mom and Daddy have both remained steadfast in their Belief that the treatment being selected is what Daddy needs and that somehow Divine Intervention is found in this process. Their Faith astonishes me as I am left feeling extremely hurt and dumfounded. I do not disbelieve what they are saying; however I am left feeling very angry tonight, at whom I don’t know. Why? I don't know, it's not like I was expecting to hear that he doesn't actually have Cancer. I guess maybe for a moment my feelings were being directed at a higher power. Someone that I believe has control, Someone I know can and will exercise miracles when appropriate. Do I think Daddy is worth a miracle? With all my heart! But what I am having a difficult time coming to understand is that Miracle could be many things. Mom and Dad amaze me, especially Mom. She is certain that we are being directed to a form of treatment that is specific for Daddy and again I can't deny this, I guess for the moment I am just not embracing the hope found in the unexpected as I should be, I know I should be. I know that there are reason and lessons found in all that we experience in this life, both good and bad, hopeful and tragic, and I do not for a moment doubt that there is greater purpose waiting for us beyond the realms of this world, but that does not mean that I have the strength to avoid the hurt, the pain and the anger that I am experiencing right now. I know that these emotions will subside, I know that I am not justified in the direction of my despair, and I know that I am throwing what some may call, a pity party and even more I believe that the Atonement offers me peace and comfort and will heal and mend my Broken Heart, but for now all I want to do is yell and scream, I guess I am throwing a party of Pity or I was at least I have been until I talked to Daddy. He was sitting in the chair in one of those moments lost in thought and I asked him, "Daddy aren't you angry or upset? Don't you just want to yell and scream at someone?" He looked at me, cocked his head to the side and with confusion dawning the expression on his face said "No, should I be?" and then cracked a little smile. I guess this little moment in time held with in it the power of discovery. I found in Daddy's response the outlook and attitude, I was missing. I should have been the example to him and yet I was so blessed to witness his understanding of a plan we have learned of and come to know as the very reason why we are here. . Him and Mom amaze me how they both remain so positive and so Faithful. They do not seem to question or doubt anything. They really are going into tomorrow believing that Daddy will be given the treatments that will be the most beneficial to him and now I feel I have to agree with them. I thought I was here to help take care of them, to be a support for Mom and a distraction for Daddy, but as the days continue to pass I am learning more from them then I would have anticipated. It's funny how the Lord works. I hope that during my stay here I am able have some impact on them because at the moment, certainly the greater impact has been felt by me. As for preparation for tomorrow, I can say that Daddy is doing OK, and has been doing his burpees and eating all the edema he can. We went to a Chemo class earlier this evening which is required before you can begin Chemo treatment. Jared, Chris, Mom and I were all there with Daddy, and it was really great to see Daddy interact with other people who were there and had been experiencing the same interruption and changes in their lives as he had. What was not surprising but fun to see was Daddy slip into a role in which he is so familiar, that of being a comforter/supporter. He talked to others who had the same look of anxiety and cracked jokes with them about losing there hair. Lifting his hat he expressed "Look Dude, see it's really not so bad." He took a room full of tension and the unknown and filled it with laughter and comfort. He is Brilliant and was so naturally able to push aside his fears and concerns to offer hope and happiness to others.
Later in the meeting we found out what we could expect in his chemo treatments and how often he will be going. He will go once a week for about 1-1/2 - 2 hours for 3 weeks and then off for a week. My understanding is that after 3-6 weeks they will perform tests to see how he is responding. We had two choices of Chemo treatments, one is less aggressive with side effects and doesn't kill all the cells good and bad (Gemcitabine and Tarceva -pill) the other is more potent and the side effects are much harsher and can even lead to hospitalization. Daddy had to make this decision and of course while he want's to just get in there and do all he can to "Kill the Cancer" as he puts it. The discussion with our family was one of, was that worth it? Is his quality of life most important to us? And of course the answer is yes, so all of our advice was to start with the first treatment. Start with the less aggressive side effects and enjoy time with his Family and Friends. To influence or persuade him otherwise would have been incredibly selfish. So in tonight's class when we were asked, Daddy told them he was going to start with the Gemcitabine and Tarceva and after hearing what we could expect versus what some of the others were preparing to face (8-10 hr treatments) we were very grateful and I suppose I can recognize this as one of those small miracles.

"Daddy Tries to Kill My Dog and We Go to the Oncologist!"

Thursday October 11th 2012

Last night my Dog was shivering and shaking uncontrollably from a Pine Cone he had eaten. He hadn't eaten any food and was vomiting all night.  Now I have to admit after committing earlier to being a fun and happy distraction for Daddy this derailed me a bit. I could see the concerned look on Daddy's face, which was of course for me and not my dog, not that Daddy's not an Animal Lover by nature, in fact I can think of many family pets that we gave away to a very nice family that lived on a big "farm" somewhere in Lehi and it wasn't until I was much older that I finally realized it was very unlikely that the "Walton Family" lived there. I do also recall many neighborhood cats who kept there distance as well as several canines on his mail routes who took the mailman scenario to a whole other level when they saw Daddy coming up the walk; but still my point is that even in his state of mind His concern was only for me and what he could do to help me. I guess somehow in his train of thought the answer to this was euthanizing poor Ozzie with the help of over the counter pain medication. So in a very soft, very concerned tone he told me "sweetheart, he has a fever, we need to give him some Tylenol, I think it will help. You can do that you know, give animals a dose of human medication." I should have had seen the Red Flags or heard the sirens but instead I forgot all about the feral cats being chased around in our basement by the sites of a .22 and said "Ok Daddy." So we crushed up 500mg of Tylenol grabbed Ozzie's jowls and forced the medicine down his throat. Poor Ozzie, he was not to happy at first but eventually he did fall into a bit of a lethargic state, stopped shaking and went to sleep. In my mind Daddy was a Hero, a genius really; it wasn't until this morning when Jared had come to the house to meet us for the oncologist that I overheard Daddy detailing the events and with laughter thrown in through out the conversation that I realized..."Oh My Gosh Daddy Tried to Kill My Dog!!!" But how mad could I be? After all Daddy was doing what Daddy does best and providing us with a much needed means of laughter and distraction which we all so desperately needed, nearly at the expense of my Dog of course, but his intentions, I am sure, were Good...Wink Wink...and then after enjoying that moment of brief normalcy we were finally off to the Oncologist.

The Utah Cancer Center was not what I thought at all, although we were very anxious and the walls were decorated with Ghosts & Skeletons in preperation for Halloween everyone around seemed to be very happy and smiling. It was almost reassuring, almost, but then you would begin feeling very nervous and your stomach would begin to feel uneasy, your heart begins eating faster and harder and in your mind you try to remind yourself to be polite and smile back at the people looking at you, but at times it is nearly impossible. Then you see it is Daddy looking at you and you think "smile Becky smile" then you remember he tried to kill your dog, and that thought provokes a laugh, just enough to rid the tense mood that seems to be enveloping you at the moment. They came to get us and said they would let all of us in the room to speak with the Oncologist, while waiting Daddy was feeling discomfort, he said his stomach hurt, and he is going to kill me for writing this part but its way too funny not to, we all were certain it was in fact gas building up...so we tried to do everything we could think of to releave the pressure. We tried "bicycle legs" but to no avail, we tried massaging his stomach, but to no avail, then Jared had a brilliant idea," The Stink Bug"! This was going to work, so Daddy climbed on the Table and got on all fours then lowered his front arms until his forearms were lying flat on the table and his rear straight up in the air, "The Stink Bug" Position....Brilliant!!! It didn't work, but it made all of us laugh hysterically, almost irreverently. I had to leave after this and so I did not hear the Dr talk with them but my follow-up was that it was Stage IV Cancer and the prognosis as we already knew with Pancreatic Cancer is given in Months not Years, Devastating! But Daddy as he was the night before when trying to save my Dog and mend my Broken Heart is a Hero and a Fighter. I know he will give it his all and I believe that will be enough!!!

Chicken Noodle Soup, Good for the Soul; I think!

Wednesday the 10th of October
Today Daddy had another Endoscope done at LDS hospital, meaning the results from yesterdays biopsy were inconclusive, I guess now we can understand why Dr. Cutler was trying to prepare us for that news. The Dr conducting tonight's procedure took 3 different biopsies and after the first 2 each time he went to the LAB to ensure they had enough for a sample, but they were not able to see on either occasion the normal Cancer Cells. He said this could be a "Silver Lining" that 95% of all Pancreatic Cancer is the same, aggressive and fast growing, 5% is a slower growing and responds better to treatment. This of course leaves us feeling hopeful and Daddy seems a bit lighter in mood tonight he has been rarely silly and mostly quiet during the day. He doesn't really feel like going anywhere or talking to many people. He described how he has to make himself do anything, go anywhere; he just wants to lie in bed. He is very frustrated with how he is feeling and it is difficult for him to understand why? We talked about depression and how there is a lot of literature about Cancer and Depression and how you can ease it or treat it, our discussion wasn't real lengthy I think he is afraid to worry us so he doesn't say much about his feelings and thoughts but I try to trick him into responses by asking him different questions about how he is and although  I am sure many of us would react the same when faced with the same experience it breaks my heart to watch as he is trying to accept this both mentally and emotionally, he is so sweet and so funny and it kills me to see him sad and quiet,. Daddy's sense of humor is always something I can count on to feel better, to make the darkness in my world seem a little bit lighter and I know that right now I need to do the same for him.
He has his first appointment with the Oncologist tomorrow. His name is Dr. Difiore and as I think I mentioned earlier was recommended by our family's physician who is also our dear friend. This must have been such difficult news to have to deliver as I am sure it is anytime you have to inform someone that there body has in essence turned against them and they have Cancer. But to have to tell a Friend must have been increasingly more difficult, Bless His Heart, I hope one day I can share with him the comfort it brings to our family to know that he was the one to deliver that news, I don't know why but it does offer some peace. After all the fasting and procedures over the past two days Daddy is left not feeling well tonight he can't eat much more than Broth because of the pain in his stomach which right now is caused from the procedures he has had over the last few days, they are pretty invasive and often times provoke Pancreatitis which well hurts. So he is not comfortable but I have to say he is showing a little humor more this evening than earlier today or at least I think it was humor. As my Mother who of course dotes on him as she should and has always done might I add, was bringing him his bowl of warm chicken broth in bed by the way, He was so happy and smiling he absolute adores this woman you can see it as he watches her every move, so he is all smiles and takes a big swallow of this broth which I am sure he thought was gong to taste homemade as anything mom does usually is he made the "MMMM" "MM" "M" sound which is of course universal for this is sooo delicious and she smiled and giggled and sauntered out of the room and just then he looked at me and with one hand on his neck as if choking himself and the other hand clinched in a fist except the pointer finger which was motioning towards the back of his thought, I got through his incredible use of "sign Language" Wink Wink that Campbell's Soup strained from the can was not only, not what he had expected but it was also very gross. I really thought he was gagging, either way it was pretty funny and we laughed for quite a while about it. Tomorrow is the oncologist appointment, I hope it goes well we are all really nervous about it, but for Daddy we pretend not to be.

Endoscope bring out the "Marshal Larson" in all of us!!

Tuesday the 9th of October 2012 (cont)
To finish today out Daddy had to go up to Alta View for and endoscopy and biopsy of the mass in his pancreas and liver.  Dr. Cutler performed today's procedure and he was able to see the mass in Pancreas is Large and blocking the entrance, the mass in the bile duct by the liver they could not tell if it was in the Liver or in the Lymph nodes causing them to swell and press on the duct. So this news to me is not great, we are trying to be hopeful but right now it seems like you have no control and no education or understanding of what to do. The Dr. Prepared us for the results and said that there is a 25% chance it can come back as a false negative, basically he was saying "This is Cancer, it is there, if it comes back Negative the test is faulty and the cancer is still there" I guess we will see what happens ,he asked us if we had an Oncologist yet and after our explanation of yes and details of who, where and when his response was to keep the appointment. Not too hopeful, I don't know what we expected but we left feeling as confused as when we went in. Although when I say we I of course mean my Mother and ME, Daddy was a little out of it. As he was just coming out of the anesthesia we could see him moving his lips as if he were having a conversation with someone but not talking out loud and then brought his hands together like a child would while praying, it was pretty funny, he was being silly or so we thought but later he explained that he had been saying a prayer when they put him under and so I guess he was continuing it when he came out. Then he just sprang up as if he was ready to get off the bed and leave, It took 3 of us to convince him of where he was and that he needed to lay down and wait just a little bit before leaving, then I watch as he kept trying to very slyly slide off his oxygen, but it would get stuck and he couldn't get it over his forehead and when the nurse started talking he quickly put his hands to his side as if we weren't going to notice the oxygen tubing that was hanging across his face, over his nose and covering his eyes. He peeked through the tube and looked at us like it was invincible it was pretty hilarious, laughing I asked him if he knew who he was, and he quickly responded, "Yes, Marshal Larsen" I asked mom who that was and through laughter she responded that he was the town Drunk when daddy was growing up!!! Hopefully tomorrow brings us more laughs and better news

Pancreatic Cancer, "A Shared diagnosis"

Tuesday October 09,2012
Today is Tuesday the 9^th of October, Yesterday, the 8th of October Daddy was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. The initial memory of Yesterday is a painful, and one full of nothing more than heartbreak and sadness. Conversations and emotions experienced yesterday by so many I am sure will forever haunt all of us and continue to echo within the unforgettable realms of todays reality, but my hope is that as we are forced to accept this we will remember that Life is Not a Timeline, It Is Indeed a Divine Plan with Purpose and it will be necessary for us in the coming days, months, and hopefully Years to recognize and remember the peace and comfort offered to us through the compassionate and healing arms our Savior. It is afterall not just Daddy's diagnosis ,it is a shared diagnosis and a burden that we can all carry together so that our Dear, Sweet ,Father is never left to feel that he is alone in this Fight, and so I have decided to do something that I consider to be theraputic and positive and may also be used as a gateway for our Family to share and communicate as we experience this journey together so that we may never forget what will take place and the stories, counsel, and memories Daddy wants to share with us as well as the ones we are about to create.

This Morning:

When he woke up this morning I could tell his attitude was in a mode of urgency. He was feeling that he didn't have time and had things he needed to get done. His main concern of focus for this morning was my roof. He was so concerned about my roof leaking he wanted to go right over and replace the board where he thought it was leaking into the house. I wanted to do what I could to calm him or offer him some sort of peace, hope or really any other emotion or feeling other than what he was currently experiencing. Which I cant describe or imagine so While waiting for MOM to get up we read some inspirational stories together about Pancreatic Cancer Survivors from a website that many of us has been lead to during the sleepless night of frantic research that had taken place in many of our homes the night before. Pan Can.org. Pancan.org is an advocate website in support of research, information and most important to my objective at the moment, Hope for those witinessing or living with Pancreatic Cancer, it was a Godsend and after reading many stories of very strong and courageous individuals, vary in all ages the hope they offered was a gift and was in fact contagious; Dad's attitude and personality changed dramatically from the prior day. He opened up a little and shared many thoughts and concerns about the future and what his journey might be. However as he continued to talk I discovered what was really weighing so heavily on his mind was us, his family. He was concerned and worried about how this would effect and impact our family. What would we have to witness and experience?  He shared many stories about Grandpa Wintle. He talked a lot about Grandpa's initial reaction and how he said he would fight!!!  But as the days and illness continued he did things like refuse to eat. Daddy talked specifically about how he would try to force food in his mouth but Grandpa would just clinch his teeth, He wouldn't eat. Daddy was angered by this and I can tell he is still bothered by this today. He said that he knew if Grandpa wouldn’t eat his body would shut down; in essence he felt as though he was giving up, a difficult thing I am sure for a Son to have to witness. I asked Daddy if his choices would be different because of the experience and memory he is left with. He said, "Oh Yeah," he knows because of watching Grandpa that he needs to eat whether he is hungry or not, which most of the time it is the later; but he is sure to make himself eat anyway because he knows it is a crucial part of staying well. He also talked about Grandpa losing it, mentally, and not really knowing what was going. He told me of story of one day when he was over there and Grandpa would just walk in circles or move his feet but not actually go anywhere. On this particular day Daddy was losing patience and he and Grandpa found themselves stopped in the hall facing each other for an hour, daddy laughed about this, and said "he was crazy" or at the time he thought "He is crazy!" His point seemed to be concern about having that same thing happen to him. He shared this again in a conversation to take place later that night and Jared summed it up perfectly when Daddy asked, "What if I get to that point and I cant care for myself and I don't know what I am doing." Jared's response was, "Well that's OK we are all here to take care of you, and we will just lock you in a room and make sure to feed you" This was funny to all of us and it made Daddy Laugh, one of the moments since the Diagnosis that Dad was Daddy and not someone lost with in the emptiness of a Cancer Diagnosis.