Chicken Noodle Soup, Good for the Soul; I think!

Wednesday the 10th of October
Today Daddy had another Endoscope done at LDS hospital, meaning the results from yesterdays biopsy were inconclusive, I guess now we can understand why Dr. Cutler was trying to prepare us for that news. The Dr conducting tonight's procedure took 3 different biopsies and after the first 2 each time he went to the LAB to ensure they had enough for a sample, but they were not able to see on either occasion the normal Cancer Cells. He said this could be a "Silver Lining" that 95% of all Pancreatic Cancer is the same, aggressive and fast growing, 5% is a slower growing and responds better to treatment. This of course leaves us feeling hopeful and Daddy seems a bit lighter in mood tonight he has been rarely silly and mostly quiet during the day. He doesn't really feel like going anywhere or talking to many people. He described how he has to make himself do anything, go anywhere; he just wants to lie in bed. He is very frustrated with how he is feeling and it is difficult for him to understand why? We talked about depression and how there is a lot of literature about Cancer and Depression and how you can ease it or treat it, our discussion wasn't real lengthy I think he is afraid to worry us so he doesn't say much about his feelings and thoughts but I try to trick him into responses by asking him different questions about how he is and although  I am sure many of us would react the same when faced with the same experience it breaks my heart to watch as he is trying to accept this both mentally and emotionally, he is so sweet and so funny and it kills me to see him sad and quiet,. Daddy's sense of humor is always something I can count on to feel better, to make the darkness in my world seem a little bit lighter and I know that right now I need to do the same for him.
He has his first appointment with the Oncologist tomorrow. His name is Dr. Difiore and as I think I mentioned earlier was recommended by our family's physician who is also our dear friend. This must have been such difficult news to have to deliver as I am sure it is anytime you have to inform someone that there body has in essence turned against them and they have Cancer. But to have to tell a Friend must have been increasingly more difficult, Bless His Heart, I hope one day I can share with him the comfort it brings to our family to know that he was the one to deliver that news, I don't know why but it does offer some peace. After all the fasting and procedures over the past two days Daddy is left not feeling well tonight he can't eat much more than Broth because of the pain in his stomach which right now is caused from the procedures he has had over the last few days, they are pretty invasive and often times provoke Pancreatitis which well hurts. So he is not comfortable but I have to say he is showing a little humor more this evening than earlier today or at least I think it was humor. As my Mother who of course dotes on him as she should and has always done might I add, was bringing him his bowl of warm chicken broth in bed by the way, He was so happy and smiling he absolute adores this woman you can see it as he watches her every move, so he is all smiles and takes a big swallow of this broth which I am sure he thought was gong to taste homemade as anything mom does usually is he made the "MMMM" "MM" "M" sound which is of course universal for this is sooo delicious and she smiled and giggled and sauntered out of the room and just then he looked at me and with one hand on his neck as if choking himself and the other hand clinched in a fist except the pointer finger which was motioning towards the back of his thought, I got through his incredible use of "sign Language" Wink Wink that Campbell's Soup strained from the can was not only, not what he had expected but it was also very gross. I really thought he was gagging, either way it was pretty funny and we laughed for quite a while about it. Tomorrow is the oncologist appointment, I hope it goes well we are all really nervous about it, but for Daddy we pretend not to be.