10/16/2012
Several things have happened over the last few days. As mentioned in a
recent post Daddy had several Biopsy's Taken and they were not able to see the
"normal" cancer cells. This led us to hope that, as the Dr. put it,
there was "Silver Lining." That silver lining was set a blaze when it
was confirmed that in fact Daddy does have the type of Cancer originally
thought. Mom and Daddy have both remained steadfast in their Belief that the
treatment being selected is what Daddy needs and that somehow Divine Intervention
is found in this process. Their Faith astonishes me as I am left feeling extremely hurt and dumfounded. I do not disbelieve what they are saying; however I am left feeling
very angry tonight, at whom I don’t know. Why? I don't know, it's not like I
was expecting to hear that he doesn't actually have Cancer. I guess maybe for a
moment my feelings were being directed at a higher power. Someone that I believe has
control, Someone I know can and will exercise miracles when appropriate. Do I
think Daddy is worth a miracle? With all my heart! But what I am having a difficult time coming to understand is that Miracle could be many things. Mom and Dad amaze me, especially Mom.
She is certain that we are being directed to a form of treatment that is
specific for Daddy and again I can't deny this, I guess for the moment I am just not
embracing the hope found in the unexpected as I should be, I know I should be.
I know that there are reason and lessons found in all that
we experience in this life, both good and bad, hopeful and tragic, and I do not
for a moment doubt that there is greater purpose waiting for us beyond the
realms of this world, but that does not mean that I have the strength to avoid the
hurt, the pain and the anger that I am experiencing right now. I know that these
emotions will subside, I know that I am not justified in the direction of my despair, and I know that I am throwing what some may call, a pity
party and even more I believe that the Atonement offers me peace and comfort and will heal
and mend my Broken Heart, but for now all I want to do is yell and scream, I
guess I am throwing a party of Pity or I was at least I have been until I talked to Daddy. He was sitting in the chair in one of those moments lost in thought and
I asked him, "Daddy aren't you angry or upset? Don't you just want to yell
and scream at someone?" He looked at me, cocked his head to the side and
with confusion dawning the expression on his face said "No, should I
be?" and then cracked a little smile. I guess this little moment in time
held with in it the power of discovery. I found in Daddy's response the outlook and attitude, I was missing. I should have been the example to him
and yet I was so blessed to witness his understanding of a plan we have learned of and come to know as the very reason why we are here. . Him and Mom amaze me how they both
remain so positive and so Faithful. They do not seem to
question or doubt anything. They really are going into tomorrow believing that
Daddy will be given the treatments that will be the most beneficial to him and
now I feel I have to agree with them. I thought I was here to help take care of them, to be
a support for Mom and a distraction for Daddy, but as the days continue to pass
I am learning more from them then I would have anticipated. It's funny how the
Lord works. I hope that during my stay here I am able have some impact on
them because at the moment, certainly the greater impact has been felt by me. As
for preparation for tomorrow, I can say that Daddy is doing OK,
and has been doing his burpees and eating all the edema he can. We went to a
Chemo class earlier this evening which is required before you can begin Chemo
treatment. Jared, Chris, Mom and I were all there with Daddy, and it was really
great to see Daddy interact with other people who were there and had been experiencing
the same interruption and changes in their lives as he had. What was not
surprising but fun to see was Daddy slip into a role in which he is so familiar,
that of being a comforter/supporter. He talked to others who had the
same look of anxiety and cracked jokes with them about losing there hair.
Lifting his hat he expressed "Look Dude, see it's really not so bad." He
took a room full of tension and the unknown and filled it with laughter and comfort. He is
Brilliant and was so naturally able to push aside his fears and concerns to
offer hope and happiness to others.
Later in the meeting we found out what we could expect in his chemo
treatments and how often he will be going. He will go once a week for about
1-1/2 - 2 hours for 3 weeks and then off for a week. My understanding is that
after 3-6 weeks they will perform tests to see how he is responding. We had two
choices of Chemo treatments, one is less aggressive with side effects and
doesn't kill all the cells good and bad (Gemcitabine and Tarceva -pill) the other
is more potent and the side effects are much harsher and can even lead to hospitalization. Daddy had to make this decision and of course while he want's
to just get in there and do all he can to "Kill the Cancer" as he
puts it. The discussion with our family was one of, was that worth it? Is his quality
of life most important to us? And of course the answer is yes, so all of our advice was to
start with the first treatment. Start with the less aggressive side effects and enjoy time
with his Family and Friends. To influence or persuade him otherwise would have
been incredibly selfish. So in tonight's class when we were asked, Daddy told
them he was going to start with the Gemcitabine and Tarceva and after hearing
what we could expect versus what some of the others were preparing to face (8-10 hr
treatments) we were very grateful and I suppose I can recognize this as one of
those small miracles.
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