"Make Believe," An Awesome Reality

It has been some time since my last post and as far as an update on Daddy's Health we are still a little lost and uncertain. They switched Daddy's treatment in May, and for several weeks he was not able to receive any additional treatments because the Folfirinox was too much for his Bone Marrow. Then as you may have seen in my last post, which I am ashamed to say was over a month ago, they switched him to an Oral Medication and this is the treatment he has been on since. He had a Dr's Appointment last week on the 8th and was told that they do not believe that the Chemo Regimen he is on is working and to stop taking the medication for now. Poor Daddy, he has been so tired over the past few months and as days pass by he is more and more tired. His hands and feet are very sensitive and sore. His eyes feel like he has permanent allergies and are slightly swollen most of the time. He has lost even more of any appetite he might have had and his nausea continues to plague him, although his vomiting his limited. The Dr. tells us that there is fluid building in his abdomen, a sign that obviously things are not right. The cause of  this is "ascites" and is a result of the Liver not working like it should. The visible side-effect of this is a distended belly that leaves Daddy feeling like he is carry around a boulder. On Wednesday after his appointment he was sent to IMC Medical Center to have his stomach drained, hopefully alleviating some of the pressure and discomfort but arrived only to be told that there was not enough fluid built up to drain it. So, there we were again, left with no answers or direction and anxiously waiting the night before another Scan, hoping we might get more information regarding a treatment option for Daddy.
Thursday night Daddy was visibly worn out, frustrated and just tired of it all, but in true "Daddy" Fashion, he never complained, not even one single word. I guess maybe I am angry enough for the both of us for what is happening to Daddy, to Mom and to Our Family. I understand this is "no ones fault." I understand that the Dr's and medical staff are doing what they can, and I do believe that there is a "Higher Power" who really has blessed us with more than most get in these circumstances and I am grateful. However the emotions you experience when watching someone you love and care for so much sit in moments of depression and defeat is indescribable. So sometimes anger is at the forefront but I knew I needed to do something to help Daddy. So I turned to a simple distraction that usually works, I turned on "The Beatles." We sang a few songs and laughed at the lyrics to "Rocky Raccoon" and Daddy smiled just a bit, I guess you could say it was a success but as the night went on I could see anxiety come back over him and all I could think to do was lay by him until he fell asleep.
You see as a child and well into my adult years (so like as of yesterday...) I have had horrible "Night Terrors." There have been countless nights in my life that I have spent laying next to Daddy, but usually it was because He was there to comfort me. He would sing to me and tell me stories until I finally fell asleep. As a teenager however, this was so bad that I would experience terrible Panic Attacks every night. I don't know why this happened, or even how to begin to explain it. All I knew was that even the possibility of having a nightmare was so terrifying to me that I feared I would never wake from it. The only peace of mind I recognized at the time, was that when Daddy would lay by me, these nights were better.  This being the case and sensing that Daddy was feeling anxious, naturally my plan made sense. So that's what I did I laid by him and as we lay there I recognized the roles were different and I thought I was strong enough to be a comfort for him this way. As things quieted down we could hear a train sounding in the distance and cricket's chirping nearby. It felt as if we were in another place and it was then Daddy said to me, "We are sleeping out."  And that, right there, is the reason I was able to make it through so many difficult nights as a teenager. Daddy has a naturally creative ability and as I mentioned previously is a great story teller. It is through this ability that he is able to facilitate a brilliant rouse that most people simply call "Make Believe." It is in these moments of  "Make Belief" that his stories serve an even greater purpose. The picture he paints through his words makes for the perfect opportunity to forget your biggest fears and escape into a world or time where everything is simply better.  So that's what we did, we pretended that we were somewhere out under the stars, listening to the crickets as the cool breeze of the night slowly climbed over us and soon, I was in a very familiar place. A place which only exists with the walls of my sleeping mind. It was a place I had created as a teenager and visited often when I lay awake at night. It is a safe place. A place without fear, illness or pain. It comforts, calms and soothes the weary and afraid and it was with the recognition of this place that I realized, my imagination had run off with the night and I was now, in a beautiful, beautiful, dream.
When I woke I saw Daddy sleeping there next to me and I had to smile. Laying there that night really was never about Daddy, as much as I had intended for it to be. I think subconsciously I knew or I had hoped, that if I layed there next to him, just like when I was fourteen, he would do what he has always has done and he would stay with me and wait until I had drifted off into that awesome reality, that place, that most people simply call, "Make Believe," where all is well and the world is right.

And guess what...That, is exactly, what he did.